The Walking Read online

  Contents

  Flight

  A Send-Off

  Safe Houses

  First Nights

  Empty Days Made of Heat

  Far Enough

  Sunsets

  Left Behind

  Heroes

  What Does and Does Not Follow

  The Cost of a Ticket

  Paths, Deposits

  Onboard

  What They Do

  Hunger

  Believers

  In the Company of Men

  How to Make a Home

  Fly-Fly

  Love and All the Opposites

  Ecumenopolis

  Devils, Picnics, Poets

  The Wait. The Want

  Caves

  Acknowledgments

  By the Same Author

  A Note on the Author

  To those with the courage to leave, and to those with the courage to stay.

  All vertebrates … spend time learning their surroundings and for the most part migrate within these familiar areas. On the other hand, all plants and all other invertebrates … are always traveling on into the unknown, through not, as one might suppose, randomly or haphazardly.

  —Dr. Robin Baker

  The Mystery of Migration

  I know not how significant it is, or how far it is an evidence of singularity, that an individual should thus consent in his pettiest walk with the general movement of the race; but I know that something akin to the migratory instinct of birds and quadrupeds … affects both nations and individuals, either perennially or from time to time.

  —Henry David Thoreau

  Walking

  Why should we plant the tree we will never see?

  —Abolqasem Ferdowsi

  Shahnameh

  Flight

  Everywhere, we are leaving.

  In desert villages, mountain towns and old cities, the worried minds hum with decision-making, decisions made. We meet in groups to talk it over, to look into the eyes of family, lovers and dear friends and ask.

  Do we go?

  Hands reach out, cigarettes are smoked, cup after cup of tea is taken and the talk is talked until the time comes and radios are turned on, turned up, and we are silent at the sounds of the afternoon news.

  Today the venerable Ayatollah Ruholla Khomeini took his place as supreme leader … today the exiled Shah was denied asylum in France … today two million took to Azadi Square in Tehran to voice their independence from the manipulative forces of the British, the Americans …

  Radios are turned down, turned off, but the news stays. It hangs heavy in the air of rooms where we gather to watch night fall and ask the questions that come, urgent without pause.

  Where then?

  For how long?

  What to take? What to leave?

  Hands rummage in pockets, over prayer beads, into knitting, cooking and games, to any thoughtless actions that free our minds to work furiously on this new knot that jumbles the threads of our lives.

  Yes, now the Shah is gone and that is good, but who knows what the mullahs want for us?

  We have suffocated under the Shah and now we will suffocate under this regime of Allah and Allah and Allah.

  We audition hopeful outcomes.

  This is the worst of it. The people will settle.

  It cannot stay like this forever.

  Don’t worry. Everything will fall back into place. It always does.

  And for the night, nothing is decided, and through sleep and into dreams, questions are asked, talk is talked, this side and that.

  We must go.

  Must we?

  Yes. For our dignity. For our future. For a chance. This new regime is not capable of dignity. I heard just the other day, Mehri Khanoum was walking down the streets and they approached her, told her to wipe the vanity off her lips, a razor blade hidden in the napkin … just like that.

  I heard, the mass hangings …

  I heard a stoning in the square …

  Other voices said, Sit for a minute, have a chai, let us think it through.

  You know, this is Iran, regimes are like seasons, always passing, always changing.

  I say it is a good thing this corrupt Shah is gone. Let us just wait. Just watch.

  Ack! This mullah will go too, give him a few years and some other scourge will take his place. Who knows what tomorrow holds? Not I. We know what only God knows? Relax. Here, there, go, stay, problems are everywhere. At least here I am a man among my countrymen. You are a woman among your sisters, and outside our window is a world where we see our faces in the faces we see. Show me another world like that and I might follow you there.

  Even so, many are gone before the New Year.

  If yes, we go the way all the natural world goes, first a few and then the flood. And new decisions must be made.

  I will go alone. No, it’s best, let us go, he and I, and then we will send for you. Give me a few weeks to settle in, an apartment, jobs, visas. What if we sent the children ahead? They will be safe in school. It is complicated, but safer. It is simple, but more dangerous.

  And decisions after those.

  Do we go by foot? By bus? Which border is still open? There is a smuggler, to the south, for a price … we have some money. We have enough money to go by plane. By plane while we still can. It is fastest, the most certain.

  And the decisions after that.

  Leave it all. Take it all. Bring only one suitcase. Bring the suitcase and the old photos. Bring nothing but the two rugs from Tabriz. Yes, Baba’s rugs. No, not to sell. Just to have. We must have that, have something, at least.

  Like that we are gone.

  We cannot decide how we arrive, but in the end, we are all received the same. Those of us who wheel our belongings out of customs into a hive of waiting relatives at LAX are no different from those of us with scraped palms and bruised kneecaps who linger in cheap rooms in Frankfurt, Milan or Karachi waiting for the next piece of luck or we who stand in long embassy lines until it is our turn to announce.

  I am Baha’i. They have burned my home for my beliefs.

  I am Jewish. Our father and uncles have been missing for two months.

  I am Kurdish. My blood alone is a death sentence in this new regime.

  And we—the welcomed, the waiting, the persecuted—are not that different from the dreamer who follows a trail of wanderlust that leads him to America, where he arrives excited and alone, ready to be taken by that which does not welcome or reject any of us: the streets, the sidewalk, the California sea.

  A Send-Off

  As Saladin planned his sendoff, a party.

  In his mind he invites them all. His brother, Ali; his four sisters; his father, who will not come, so deep does the abandonment cut into his pride. A few friends from school. Mr. Hosseini the English teacher and Ahmed the projectionist and of course Haleh, which means of course her sister, which means he will have to divide his attentions between the two or recruit Ali to share the duty of entertaining the prettiest sisters in the mountain town. Either way, Haleh will wear her famous purple mini-jupe, stand beside the table of sweets and let her eyes well with tears that Saladin brushes from her cheeks with his thumb as he whispers, It is only for a year, or two. Then you will join me, you must. A feast of favorite dishes—gorhmeh sabzi, joojeh kebab, shirin pollo—all prepared without his request, without even his want, and laid out on the sofre like the last of all food. And music, all night there is music. Pepino, Adamo, the Beatles, and in case anyone should mistake his destination, a lot of Elvis and even more Beach Boys. Music and much dancing in the pressed shirt and creased jeans and sunglasses that don’t come off until the evening’s end when everyone insists they must look into his eyes to more properly offer advice, well-wishes, envy and
embraces. Saladin promises to write, to call, to come back as soon as he is rich, as soon as he is married, as soon as he can, but secretly hopes to shake all of it—the party, the sisters, the promises—off the instant his chest fills with the lightness of flight as the plane eases itself off the only earth he has ever known.

  He plans for the joy of a departure inevitable, celebrated, long foreseen.

  As it happened, their father woke them with angry shouts.

  Posho! Saladin! Ali! Up!

  The brothers knew better than to ask. They dressed randomly in the dark and climbed into the cab of the old military truck their father drove to work. A steady rain fell over them, but by the time the truck engine came to life, the wetness had evaporated off their arms and faces, leaving behind a slight damp in the places their bodies had touched. As they drove, the sky grew bright slowly, one degree for each cigarette their father lit, another degree every time he muttered. Say nothing. Follow their orders. Obey what they ask of you, what I ask. Then it will be done and they will leave us alone. God willing, they will leave us alone. God willing. Say nothing … like this he rambled until sunlight filled the slits between the clouds and made the rain shine silver. Only then did the old man go quiet.

  Saladin closed his eyes and pressed his head against the window and tried to find the last of sleep. Why not? He had lived this all before. This early morning was the same as last early morning and the mornings before that. They would go to the barracks, where there would be some tension about an escaped Kurd farmer who had gone to Turkey or started a rebel faction in the mountains. They would go to his plot of land, wake his wife, demand to know where the guns or men were hiding, and after an hour of shouts and accusations and threats of violence, his father would lose steam and step off to some shade to smoke a cigarette and let Ali tidy what blankets and feed bowls and shoe piles had been upset in the lazy raid. If the wife was a fierce woman, as was common in the mountains, she followed them around and cursed the captain, called him a traitorous Kurd in humiliating service to the Shah. If she was exceptionally upset or exceptionally brave, she spat each time she said his name. Saladin waited in the cab of the truck, doors closed and windows rolled up, and watched it all like a movie with faint sound. Either way they always made it back to the barracks for the midday meal, followed by the idle afternoons that Saladin spent pestering the new cadet from Tehran with incessant questions. Are the cinemas bigger? How much bigger? Are they louder? How loud? And Ali presented their father with long, respectful arguments about the Kurdish cause and the Shah’s most recent harassments and politely questioned the old man’s confusing loyalties. But, Baba, Ali would always ask, if you are a Kurd, why do you police the Kurds? How come you answer to the Shah? Why does the Shah hate us so? Their father rarely answered, and if he did, it was brief. One day you will understand, Ali jaan. One day all of this will become clear. And then he would light a cigarette and fill the afternoon with a long classical poem that quieted the barracks and stopped the old janitor in the middle of his slow chores. Yes. Yes, Agha Captain. That is how I remember it. You sing it just like your father sang it, God save his soul.

  On the morning they woke to shouts, nothing happened as it had happened before and Saladin woke from his half sleep against the truck window to find the streets in front of the barracks crowded with new trucks and jeeps and revolutionary guards, bearded men no older than Ali and somehow even more serious. They followed their father inside and no one stopped to salute him, to bid him good morning or to take his hat. All available bodies were occupied in the ordered busyness required to take apart the barracks and dismantle the hanging guns and ammunition and flags that had forever decorated the walls. The large painting of the king had been taken down and slashed three times, in perfect diagonal cuts that matched the direction of his many-colored sashes. Saladin walked to the painting. Up close the man was as ugly as he had been from afar. His eyes were snake set, and the artist could not pull any nobility from the shape of his head. Saladin remembered the day the portrait arrived, its first hanging on the high hook, the fanfare and courteous applause from the men who gathered nervously around their new police captain and his two young, light-eyed sons.

  At their father’s desk a mullah sat reading. When the family stood before him, he did not look up from his work, and when he did, he caught Saladin’s eye. His voice was a disinterested whisper.

  Do you think we have done a good job with the painting?

  Saladin faced the mullah and said nothing. He was of middle age with a round head and a beard that seemed to stretch down from beneath his eyeballs all the way to the bottom of his neck. He wore his tall, gray turban wrapped tightly around his forehead, not loose and high at the hairline as was the Kurdish fashion. As he stood to walk toward them, great quantities of cleaned and ironed black fabric folded and unfolded around his legs. He took their father’s hand and kissed him once on each cheek.

  Khoshamadeem. It will be helpful for us to know that you and your family stand behind the Ayatollah.

  His voice was fresh and certain and he kept the old man’s hand pressed between his.

  Their father looked down and spoke to the floor.

  Of course.

  The mullah dropped their father’s hand.

  Of course what, Captain? Be specific. These are not casual times.

  Of course my sons and I know the time of the Shah is over. Of course. Everyone must know.

  To hear obedience from a mouth that had only ever given orders! Saladin looked away from it, from his father and the mullah and the old, familiar room that was beginning to lose solidity and shape. He focused on his feet, where by accident he had put on the Italian shoes he was saving for America. He cursed himself, the work he’d have to do to clean and polish them, and stared at the shined black boots of the revolutionary guards as they stepped over the edges and ends of furniture they had kicked about and tossed aside. Next to him his brother wore sneakers as if for a game of soccer. Saladin stepped back to see his brother whole, to see him react to the odd events of this early morning, and Ali was as Ali had always been, tall with a straight spine, the muscles of his shoulders and chest spread broadly and to great effect. But for his face, everything was the same. Saladin looked carefully at his brother’s profile. What was normally solemn or indifferent was stiff now, braced through the mouth and jaw and brows by a cold and ready defiance. Saladin recognized the attitude from moments just before his brother entered a race or a fight or some quick assault. Saladin felt the spit dry in his mouth and the last of sleep left him, as did the last of dreams, wants and plans. Once he was empty and hollow, in swept fear. Fear of the day to come, the single-minded guards, the whispering mullah, of his father, just kissed, and of his own brother beside him, at ease in the chaos. He felt Ali’s body pulse with vigor and determination of unknown quantities as he stood silent beside Saladin, tall and strong, like a new rifle loved and cared for and not yet fired.

  It fell to their father to read the names over the mosque megaphone. He called out the list and ordered the men to come alone. Without families. For questioning. Arez, the electronics repairman. Babak and Biran, the truck drivers who went back and forth to Turkey and sometimes sold German futbols. Ahmed, the baker famous for his hot-stone bread. Soran who played both the daf and the electric guitar better than anything on the radio … Saladin knew them by their sons and their Salaam on the street and the occasional smiles if the day was warm or a pretty girl had just passed. They were a little less than strangers, and he could not tell what association they held to bind them together on this list, to bring them all, tired eyed and curious, to the wet square at the center of town where the mullah ordered them to stand in a single line, shoulder to shoulder, and announce themselves. Name. Profession. Last trip over the border. Identity.

  Saladin’s stomach dropped. He understood now how the men were connected to each other. Each was young. Each was known to travel often to Turkey and Iraq for business or family. Each was a man
who, depending on the day, might say he was Kurdish but not Iranian, or Kurdish and Iranian, but never Iranian and Iranian alone. Saladin looked at the sky, as if to see what kind of day this was going to be. The morning clouds had cleared and a clean sun danced brilliantly over the blue tiles of the fountain at the edge of the square. A handful of sparrows perched on the lip of the fountain, and Saladin waited for them to sing, but they flew off as the mullah’s questions turned to shouts: Name! Loyalty! The business of your last border crossing!

  The eleven men said nothing, and the mullah took quick steps around the line of them and then stood very still next to Saladin’s father. In the angry silence Babak spoke. I am Babak. Truck driver. Just yesterday I came from Tiblis with a shipment of flour. You can check my papers, my ID card, my vehicle records.

  And? the mullah asked.

  I am a Kurd.

  The mullah nodded.

  Why? Saladin turned to his brother, incredulous. Don’t they know?

  Ali stared ahead with blank eyes and nodded his head in agreement each time a man answered Kurd.

  If that is the Ayatollah’s question, then this is the answer.

  But …

  Ali shook his head. Saladin jaan, how long before you understand your own fate? At seventeen you still don’t understand that if you are a Kurd, you can never be anything else … Such a shame …

  The mullah requested a location, discreet and out of the way. Saladin and Ali’s father named a valley a distance from the town where they had gone to hunt as boys. The old man spent those afternoons showing them the slow ways to walk and fast ways to look so they could find and shoot the grouse that darted through the high grass. When they were old enough, they came back alone to get lost in the maze of old trails that cut through the canyons and kept them trapped in long games of hide-and-seek, build-and-destroy, fight-and-escape. Here, Saladin first felt the strange nature of time, the way hours compressed into seconds and seconds could reach out and stretch into eons by the simple sensations of joy and fear. In these canyons too he learned that brothers, in play and game, could be everywhere and nowhere at once. They were always late home, and when they met their mother’s hard glare, Ali could never tell her where they had been, and Saladin could not, no matter how well bribed, explain how the time had passed.